Why can’t I change? !

I often see insight becoming a substitute for the actual experience of change. We understand why we behave the way we do, we can even write a whole essay on the triggers, where they come from, the way we react when our buttons get pushed but somehow, somehow we still find ourselves doing exactly the same things we are trying so hard to change. 

And more often than not I've noticed that it’s not from lack of trying, in fact there is a LOT of trying involved. So much so that the trying gets exhausted then frustrated and disappointed with themselves. When change doesn’t happen, the question becomes: what’s wrong with me?

But what I often notice is this: insight can increase responsibility without increasing capacity.

In many cases, the mind has already made sense of what’s happening. We know exactly what the issue is. The problem isn’t understanding, it’s that the body hasn’t yet built the capacity for the change we’re asking of it. As we try to take a different path, we might notice our body clench when we want to communicate instead of retreating into the familiar silence. We know the silent treatment isn’t helpful. We know it creates distance rather than connection.

But fear lives in the body. And that fear can hold us captive through tightening the throat, constricting the chest, stopping us from moving toward the openness and connection we long for. Even when the mind wants something different, the body may not yet be able to stay with the fear long enough to move anyway.

What often helps in moments like this isn’t pushing harder, but slowing down. Noticing that the fear is there. Noticing the constriction in the throat, the urge to pull back. Can we be with it, even briefly? Can we slow down enough to get curious about what this fear is protecting? What might it need in order to soften its grip?

This is often what the work looks like when you’re in the room with me. We create space to slow down, to unravel, to let the body catch up with the mind. To acknowledge both the desire for change and the fear that comes with it. Sessions may involve less talking than you expect, and more time spent being with your experience as it unfolds. That, too, can feel confronting. But this is often where change begins.

So if understanding hasn’t been enough, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It may simply mean your system needs time to catch up.